Thoughts about life

The art of life is the art of avoiding pain; and he is the best pilot, who steers clearest of the rocks and shoals with which it is beset.

- Thomas Jefferson

I am a big fan of American History. I recently watched a HBO mini-series on John Adams and the above quote was spoken by Thomas Jefferson. It sort of rang true to me. I think avoiding pain is more luck than skill but I've spent the better part of my adult life staying out of painful situations. Having lost my mother at an early age (for her and for me) I've unknowingly avoided anything that would cause me to feel that or any pain like it again. But I think Mr. Jefferson had it right. There is an art to avoiding pain which is also a way of life. I've been blessed with only one tragedy in my life so far and no other real trials to speak off. Some would say that makes me soft but I would argue that it makes me happy in life.

Birthday thoughts 2012

Today is my 49th birthday. I have a simple day planned spending it with a friend and then an evening with my wife.

As I sit here and think about my upcoming 50th birthday which I have to say freaks me out just a bit. It will become harder and harder to think of myself as a young boy. But something I thought about is where I was in my life at each turn of a decade.

In 1973 I was living in Salinas California and turned 10. Probably had a traditional birthday party with cake and presents. I might have a picture of me somewhere.

In 1983 at 20 I was living off campus in Spokane Washington at Whitworth College. I probably spent the day in classes.

In 1993 my wife Chris threw me a 30th birthday bash in the back room of Patty's bar and Grill.

In 2003 for my 40th I was in London with my wife and little brother and his girlfriend at the time. They had bought me a cake and blew up some balloons and decorated the flat.

So for 2013 who knows what I will be doing or where.

Unemployed again

Chris was let go from her job back at the end of August. I got laid off mid December. We still haven't found jobs yet. This is the first time in our 28 year marriage that we've both been out of work at the same time. It has been an interesting winter getting used to being around each other 24/7 and learning to cut expenses where we can.

It is an odd feeling as you approach 50 to be out of work with no clear career goals and not much to show for the past quarter century of employment. Next week is my 49th birthday. My skillset is very outdated and there are no jobs out there for that skill anymore. Time to retrain or find a new career. Neither I thought I'd be doing at my age.

My Wife

Someone shared this video today which makes me think of my wife Chris. She often teases me that I don't express how much I care for her as she does for me. The age old woman and man issue I guess? But I have to say that she is my life. I'd do anything for her and love spending time with her. She is my partner in this world and even though sometimes we all need our "me" time I would rather spend time alone with her than with anyone else. My fondest memories as an adult are times spent with her. The love runs deep like a parent and their child. She is a part of me and we are like a single person when together.

If life were like a huge mountain you had to climb where you only reach the top at the end of your life. Where there are some long and some short steep spots, some level spots and even some downhill spots. She is the person I chose to make the journey with me and along the way I have grown fond of her company and got used to having her beside me. She has led the way sometimes. She has encouraged me when I didn't want to go on. We have paused together to take a look around and have never given up.

So the video reminds me of her.

My big heart

You know how when kids are born they always say stuff like he has her eyes or she has his ears. I think it is the closest thing to immortality or reincarnation to pass on our genetic traits to our children. I've always thought that even though my mom has been gone from my life and this world for almost 27 years I'll always have a piece of her with me because I inherited her heart. I often forget about this until at the strangest times I am overcome with empathy or emotion for someone or something. As a man I have always tried to hide this trait deep down inside. "Big boys don't cry". Who wants to see a grown man get all emotional over something stupid like a movie, play or live event. It's actually one of the reasons I stay away from music. It often speaks to your heart which is a place I try not to visit too often for fear of looking like a emotional wreck or idiot (same thing really). Don't get me wrong, this compassionate heart of mine doesn't always turn me into a blubbering idiot. Sometimes I just feel it. I can't stand watching the humane society commercials or read or hear about any sort of animal cruelty. I don't like reading or hearing about all the pain and suffering of my fellow humans all over the world. But it isn't just bad stuff. I feel the joy of new parents or newlyweds. Recent graduates from preschool to college. The happiness of family and friends and the sadness of illness or death of any one of them, mine or others.

I've often lamented that the gift of a big heart is a blessing and a curse especially for a guy. But it is a gift from my Mom that I'd never want to loose. So I go on through life figuring out how to deal with it and trying to remember that I'd rather feel too much than nothing at all.

Listening

I know I have written about this before. But I am a visual person. I love movies, TV, Theater, video games and just about anything that I can watch with my eyes. I forget sometimes that my wife who is my soul mate and lifelong partner is quite the opposite. She is a listening person. She prefers to hear her entertainment. The way to her heart is through sounds. She is a music fan but not only that but her emotions are affected more by the tone or sound of something than mine are.

Tonight on a whim we decided to go to a local pub we have never been to and listen to a neighbor friend perform his own songs. He is very good and we don't get to see him that often. It was fun sitting just listening to him play. Even better it was what she likes to do which we don't do often enough. I don't know why lack of auditory interest gets so overshadowed by my visual interest but it does.

I need to work on that for her sake.

Birthday thoughts

Another birthday has come and gone. I'm 48, 10 years older than my mother lived. My sister is 46 and my dad is 67 this year. Been married for 28 years this year to the love of my life who was born late in the year after me (didn't have to type her age, smart huh?). Lived in the same house for 22 years. My 30th high school reunion is this year.

Like most of us in my mind I feel as young as I did when I was 20. My body on the other hand says differently. I can see 50 just around the corner and no matter if you are 20,30,or 40 50 seems old. I seems old to 60 and 70 year olds. You just can't pull young off at 50 the generation gap starts to really show at that point.

Wife and I at the beginning of our marriage decided not to have kids. We've spent the better part of our lives together building a home and working. We have traveled some but not as much as others. We have lived for the moment not bothering to save much for a rainy day but we have great memories. We were talking the other day about what we would say to each other if we somehow had to convince one another who we were because we were not recognizable. A memory that only the other would remember. For me it would be so easy. There are so many. I had to give her some examples and then she agreed too. She's always been the forgetful one.

Both my grandfathers died when they were in their early 70's but both of them had smoking related illnesses. My grandmothers died at 84 and 90 the younger of breast cancer. So I figure I have at least another 30 if not 40 years left in me. Hopefully I can take care my health better than I have so far.

So what does the next 30 years hold? I'm not sure. I wasn't sure what the last 30 did but it has been an interesting ride. In fact I didn't think that much about my future then as I am now. But now I ask questions like...where will I be living, who will I know, where will I be working, what will be my financial situation, and mostly what will Wife and I be doing together then?

I don't consider myself a depressed individual. At least not in the clinical way. I'm sure I have the same ups and downs of any normal person. While writing these thoughts down I'm sure it sounds all gloom but I'm always optimistic and hopeful about the future and thankful about the past. Just being a little introspective which doesn't happen that often.